The Balanced Life, Huntsville Alabama

I spent this past weekend in one of my favorite Southern cities, Charleston, SC. I haven't been there in several years and was so excited to be back. I love history and Charleston practically oozes it. From the gorgeous homes to the cobblestone streets to the beautiful waterfront, it's a place all history buffs should visit in their lifetime. I went there to run a half marathon and had a great race on Saturday. The weather was perfect, I felt great, and ran well. As I ran along during the race, I marvelled not only at the amazing architercture and scenery but also the resilience of this city. In the mid 1800's alone, it endured multiple fires, an earthquake and the Civil War.  I thought about the story of Charleston and how it's grown and changed over the last two hundred plus years. It's history is tainted with the terrible atrocity of slavery and the years of struggle for equality and fairness. Yet, it has remained a testament to resilience and rebirth. I see the power of perserverance and opportunity every time I visit. 

This happens weekly when I meet with clients. I hear stories about struggle and adversity. I learn about tragedy and dispair. I am present with people who have experienced fear and pain to the extent I marvel they have survived. And in the midst of these stories, I see strength and resilience and hope. They have come to talk to me about their experiences so they can find a way forward; so they can begin to shed the burden of their past. In many cases, they are making decisions that continue to keep them on a path they are dissatsified with and they desire to make a change so they don't continue to repeat the mistakes of others before them. 

One thing I like to teach clients as a part of the counseling process is to ask the right questions. The purpose of a question is to gather information. If I ask the wrong questions, I don't gather information. If I ask the wrong question of someone else, it often leads to defensiveness or an argument ("Why are you such an idiot?"; "Why can't you be more like your brother?"., "Why is this so freaking hard for you to understand?", etc.). These aren't questions, really. They are passive aggressive statements. Likewise, asking myself the same type of questions can influence negative feelings about myself ("Why am I such an idiot?", "Why can't I ever do anything right?", "Why is everyone against me?"). On the other hand, the right questions open the door for understanding and movement. For example- "Why am I such an idiot?" turns into "What can I learn from this situation?" and "Why is this so freaking hard for you to understand?" becomes "How can I better help you understand what I'm trying to say?". If I can learn from everything that happens, then all experiences have purpose. Some of my greatest lessons came from asking the right questions in the aftermath so I was able to learn something from the painful experience. 

When a client is struggling with a behavior that isn't helping them, I'll ask four questions:

1. What do you want (to happen)?

2. Is what you're doing helping that to happen?

3. If not, what are you gaining by doing it? 

4. What could you do instead?

This opens up a dialogue about personal behavior that has often been negatively reinforced and continues despite mounting evidence of it's maladaptive and counter-productive nature. If I stop and think about why I'm doing something and realize that it's not helping me get what I want, then often that realization is the start of doing something about it. 

We all have a story. Just like Charleston, humans are beautiful, amazing and resilient. We have stregnth and capacity beyond what we often realize or give ourselves credit for. We have the power to change our story at any time; to write it in such a way that we leave behind the kind of legacy after we are gone that we would want others to remember us by. At any point in our lives, we can ask different questions and use the knowledge we gain to change the path we are on. It takes courage and faith in the process but the results are worth it.