Transitions

One of the most challenging concepts for people to wrap their minds around is that two seemingly opposite things can be true at one time. I talk with clients about this challenge frequently as it is often the case when we are going through a major life transition, like I personally am now.

As my only child approaches her high school graduation in the next week, I’m feeling particularly reflective. I look at her and see a newborn baby, an adorable toddler, the sweet elementary school student, the remarkable teenager and now the amazing young woman she’s becoming- all wrapped up in one individual person. Older parents love to remind the younger ones of how fast it all goes and to enjoy it as much as you can. And now, I’m officially one of those older parents and they were right- it’s extraordinary how slowly it all seemed to go at times when we were in the thick of parenting but now with 18 years of hindsight (almost 20 if you count the fertility journey and pregnancy), I can see with great clarity the lightning speed of it all.

I recently returned from a work/personal trip to the beach with my husband and as always, the time by the ocean brings me a sense of stillness and perspective. It’s a constant reminder of how two opposites can be true at the same time- the ocean can be both beautiful and deadly, both calm and wild, both welcoming and threatening. It also always helps me remember that I am both important and very small. I can make a difference but there is so much that is outside my control. I appreciate nature’s reminders that the ocean was here way before me and will be here way after I am gone. The waves will keep rolling no matter how much I might stand in them and try to resist.

It was particularly poignant to be at the ocean right before my daughter finishes 13 years of school and then leaves the nest for college. We brought her into this world knowing she would leave us one day. She is her own person, beautiful, smart and independent, and our job to raise her is shifting and changing as we move into a new phase of her life. I could fight this transition (and I admit, sometimes I really have to sit with the internal struggle of letting her go), resisting, attempting to hold her back, interfering with the process. But I am choosing to trust that process. To know we did what we could. To appreciate the bittersweetness of this life transition.

It’s my job as her mother to be accepting of the duality of opposites here:

I can be happy and sad at the same time.

I can be excited for her and afraid as well.

I can want to keep her with me (wrapped in bubble wrap- all safe and sound at home!) and also let her go.

I can hold her close while giving her space.

It’s both/and not either/or.

The value in appreciating that two opposites can be true at the same time is that it also allows space for the complex emotions that come up for us as humans. If I don’t allow for opposites to coexist, I can’t let myself have the range of emotions that seemingly contradict each other. I see this with clients who will say “How can I be happy about this when I feel so sad?” or “I should be afraid if I’ve taught her to be independent” or “I shouldn’t feel any regrets if I did a good job”.

In considering my daughter leaving home, it makes perfect sense that I would have a wide range of emotions and none of them are wrong. They all give me important information and say a lot about how I feel about this child that I wanted more than anything and now am letting go of (cue the tears on that one!).

So, when you are going through a major transition, be it sending a child off to school and experiencing an empty nest for the first time or any of the other transitions that we might experience as we travel through life, hold yourself compassionately.

Allow time and space for all the feelings that will inevitably come up for you.

Surround yourself with people who love and support you.

Engage in things that you enjoy.

Find ways to give back so you stay connected to the bigger picture of humanity.

And be patient.

This too shall pass. You’ll be on the other side, looking back at your past self and marveling at your own resiliency and capacity.

If you’re struggling with a life transition, we’re here to walk with you. Reach out today- info@thebalancedlifellc.com-you don’t have to do this alone.