The Balanced Life, Huntsville Alabama

As I prepared to write today’s blog, I reflected long and hard on the topic as I often do.  The word that kept coming to me was “comparisons”. 

Listening to clients talk about problems and issues in their lives, I hear a common theme of feeling less than, not being genuine towards self and others, and believing others are better in every way than they are.  Sometimes as a therapist, I hear myself giving advice that I don’t live by-- the ol’ “do as I say, not as I do” routine.  It dawned on me recently that I was telling people not to compare themselves to others, yet I was doing that very thing in my own life.  Why don’t I have nicer things like my neighbor, why am I this size and not her size, why don’t I feel more popular like that person I know, why am I grouchy and not happy like that person?  The list goes on and on.  I could even add the question of why don’t I write more interesting blogs like my colleagues?  And then it clicked.  When I compare myself to everyone else, it causes me to feel less than, small, ugly, and incapable. 

Even though I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others, it’s difficult to stop a lifelong bad habit.  Recently I moved my daughter to her new apartment and found myself comparing her room decor to her roommate’s.  As silly and superficial as that sounds (because it is!), I had to stop myself from comparing the two and appreciate each room separately.  By comparing the two rooms, it was as if it were a competition (all in my head) and I was thinking how one was better than the other or this night stand was cuter and that wall hanging was the best.  It’s embarrassing to write about because both rooms were adorable as they are and even if they weren’t it’s ok, but it’s the truth that these were my automatic thoughts in those moments.  Once I realized it and stopped comparing the rooms in my head or out loud, I felt amazingly happier and less negative, more focused and less judgmental.  It made the rest of the day much better.

On the drive home from getting her all moved in, I reflected a little deeper about comparisons.  What causes it and how can we over come it?  I think our own search for security, our culture of pressures and outward beauty being seen as the most important thing, and our need to compete and feel better than only leads to loneliness and feelings of inferiority.  As author Brene Brown said it best: “Comparative suffering corrodes compassion and connection. It makes us judgmental and critical. Belittling our own suffering doesn’t elevate the suffering of others. It throws us into a “race for the bottom.” It disconnects us from the truth that we are all inextricably connected – we all have strength and we all have struggle. We all need and we all give.”

Here are ways I found helpful to stop comparing and start living authentically:

1. Be honest- If we feel scared or sad or different, it’s ok to admit it. We don’t have to be happy all the time, but we don’t have to lie about it, either.  Admitting we have real feelings about life situations is a step towards authenticity. 
2. Stop the shame- My friend has a son leaving for college for the first time soon and she is sad about it. She found herself saying, “I know it’s time, I know he’s not that far away, I know he’s ready, and it will be fine.”  Once we acknowledged that she is scared and sad about this change, it helped her not feel ashamed of her true feelings. Yes, she’s grateful, but she needed to acknowledge her feel feelings and let go of the shame, too.
3. Accept myself (& others) “as is”- Many people compare themselves to others because they cannot or do not accept themselves as they truly are. Once the mask is removed, it’s never as bad as we’d imagined. 
4. Be vulnerable- When we make ourselves vulnerable without fear of judgment from others, it helps. They say in order to write well, you must first write what you know.  In writing these blogs, I open myself up and become vulnerable in the hopes that it connects with someone else. 
5. Have gratitude- Gratitude can be a powerful thing and can change your perspective and outlook on life. When I change my thinking from self pity to gratitude, it changes my mood immediately.  Try writing a gratitude list, starting a gratitude jar, or a gratitude journal and see if it changes your perspective and helps you stop the comparison habit in its tracks.

Thank you for reading today’s blog about comparisons, the great thief of happiness.  If you find yourself struggling with low self esteem, comparing yourself to others and it hurts more than helps, or any other life struggles, please don’t hesitate and contact us at The Balanced Life, LLC at (256) 258-7777 or info@thebalancedlifellc.com.