The Balanced Life, Huntsville Alabama

Originally, I sat down to write this as a letter to my former self to express kindness, validation, and reassurance. But I would also like to pen this as a send-off, a good bye letter, a farewell to my past toxic relationship.

Why should I spend time saying goodbye to a “relationship” that filled me with feelings of unworthiness, self-doubt, unease, and confusion? Shouldn’t I just turn my back, slam the door, and never look back?

No. Because acknowledging the dysfunction, the pain, and the pattern of emotional abuse also allows me to more clearly see my own resilience. I would not be the determined, persistent, assertive woman I am today if my self esteem had not been dismembered by a narcissistic individual who delighted in gaslighting me and playing eternal, selfish games with my feelings.

For such a long time, I blamed myself. It was my fault he was unfaithful. Maybe if I were thinner, prettier, quieter, more compliant…then I would be worth it. Well, at least that’s what my former self reasoned. Twelve years later, I can assure this perplexed, forlorn girl that you were not abandoned and cheated on because you were not enough. You were, and are, too much. Too bright. Too inquisitive. Too thoughtful. Too passionate. Your love for life and anticipation of the future intimidate someone who wants to control your every thought and dominate your life. He wants to strip you of your confidence, your happiness, and your ability to trust yourself.

Back then, I had never heard the term “gaslighting.” When I first learned the definition, I was flabbergasted. There was a name for the mental and emotional turmoil I endured for 18 months of my life! And that year and a half was only the “real time” of the back and forth, up and down, committed then unfaithful game. My world view and self-concept have been forever changed. Now I can look back and feel proud of the girl who blamed herself for the abuse she suffered. She rose above. She moved forward. She transformed her pain into purpose. She laughed again.

When we are embroiled in the madness, it is impossible to imagine saying goodbye to our toxic relationship. But know that you deserve peace. You deserve gentleness. You deserve compassion. You deserve love. What is most important is that you can give all of these healing, calming, rejuvenating experiences and feelings to yourself. Yes, you. You have the ability to use self-love to detoxify a poisonous environment left by an abusive person.

It is the belief in your worth, your strength, and your resilience that will build the momentum to empower you to say goodbye. It is tempting to write off the relationship altogether, as though it never happened. But don’t do that. Do cut it off. Leave it alone. Close the book. Start a new story, full of hope and promise. Remember that you can simultaneously walk away from abuse while embracing what you have learned about yourself through the nightmare. You can say goodbye to your toxic relationship right after it ends or a decade later; it is never too late to leave.

Surround yourself with others who validate and cherish you and who respect your time, energy, and healing. Healing is not linear. It is not like a dream. It is taking the time to know your mind, heart, and spirit will change from this trial and that it is okay to change. You will never be the person you were before you unknowingly entered into the toxic relationship. You are now someone who has known suffering and can thus appreciate deeper joy.

Michaela Whitehead is a therapist at The Balanced Life who works with many clients healing from trauma, including abusive relationships. If you or someone you love needs help finding peace, please reach out to us at 256-258-7777 or info@thebalancedlifellc.com.