The Balanced Life, Huntsville Alabama

We’ve all heard the dismal statistics about divorce: somewhere in the 40-50% range is the likelihood that a first marriage will end in divorce. It goes up for subsequent remarriages.  There seems to be more of a casual attitude about marriage with divorce not being as stigmatizing as it has been in the past. However, research shows that stable, happy marriages increase emotional and physical well-being, including extending the lifespan.  

I doubt that anyone would disagree that being emotionally and physically well is highly desirable and we’d all like to achieve it. So, that begs the question, wouldn’t it be worth the effort to be happy in our marriages? And if the answer is yes, is it really that hard to achieve? I’ve got a few suggestions that, if implemented by both parties in the relationship, will undoubtedly change your relationship for the better.

1. Apply the Golden Rule…all the time. Honestly, if this one was consistently applied, everything else pretty much takee care of itself. But, even if we don’t treat our spouse like we would want to be treated all the time, doing this as often as we can changes the course of a relationship. Another way to think about it is to treat your spouse like you would your best friend. Some of the things spouses say to each other and the hostile way they behave towards each other would NEVER happen with one’s best friend. Dr. William Glasser, the founder of Choice Theory, noted that often we treat our friends far better than we treat our spouses and our kids, the people who we actually should love the most and treat the best.

2.The only person whose behavior we can control is our own. You are not the boss of your spouse. Let me repeat that- you are not the boss of your spouse. You only do damage to the relationship each time you engage in what Dr. Glasser called the Disconnecting or Deadly Habits- nagging, blaming, threatening, bribing, criticizing, punishing, and complaining. You are also not responsible for parenting your spouse. Your role is to support, encourage, listen, accept, trust, respect and negotiate. By engaging in these Connecting Habits, we strengthen our relationships and help maintain strong connections.

3. THINK. I love this acronym for effective communication. Before you speak THINK- is it True? Is it Helpful? Is it Inspiring? Is it Necessary? Is it Kind? Granted, the word “inspiring” trips couples up sometimes because at face value, a lot of our average conversations just don’t seem like an opportunity for inspiration. However, a definition of inspiring is to “create a feeling, especially a positive one, in a person”. So, I’d say there’s plenty of opportunity for this in our daily conversations.

4. Seek first to understand. We have two ears and one mouth, right? But how often would it seem more like we have no ears and about 10 mouths? Just stop, be still and listen…really listen.  Don’t think about what you want to say next. Simply desire to understand. Think how good it feels to be understood. Do that for your spouse before you give advice, or chastise, or make light of what he/she is saying. You may be surprised what you learn. 

5. Everything you see on Facebook isn’t true or accurate. Shocking, I know it, but it’s true. I say that a little tongue in cheek and I know folks would nod and agree with me but I can’t tell you how often I’ve conversed with people who are criticizing their spouse for some shortcoming or feeling terrible about their own marriage because they are comparing him/her or the marriage to something they saw on Facebook. They see the smiling selfies, the pictures of surprise dinners or flowers, or the paragraph long ode to a spouse and assume that this person’s marriage is perfect and, by comparison, theirs is fatally flawed. Trust me, everyone struggles. No one has a perfect marriage. While some of what you see on line is likely true, never forget that a lot of it isn’t or at least is skewed in some fashion.

6. It’s not that deep. Boy, are we masters of making mountains out of molehills! We will complicate even the simplest of situations and nowhere is this more obvious that in a marriage. I love the book "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" by Richard Carlson because it reminds us that most of the stuff we make a big deal out of just isn't. I think what happens when we spend all our time sweating the small stuff is that when the big stuff comes along, and it's going to, we don't have the emotional defense system to effectively deal with it. We've overdrawn our emotional bank accounts, so to speak, with the small stuff. So, I challenge couples to just ask themselves "is this really that deep?" before they even consider letting that molehill get out of hand. Many times the answer is no, and can, by THINKing, be handled calmly and apprpriately, keeping the issue small, like it actually is. 

We're here to help couples have the kind of relationship they desire. If yours is in need of a tune up, give us a call today at 256-258-7777 or email info@thebalancedlifellc.com. Life is too short to be unhappy.