The Balanced Life, Huntsville Alabama

I’ll never forget my husband and I’s first year of marriage. After the wedding and honeymoon, I was so ecstatic about beginning our new life together, but I had not put much thought into what that might look like on a daily basis. 

It didn’t take long to realize that as much as I loved him and how excited I was to be in this new stage of life, marriage was HARD work.  I always tell people that it took the entire first year to figure out each others’ habits, preferences, flaws and everything that goes along with living with someone for the first time.  I quickly noticed that I had created many expectations in my mind that he was completely unaware of and unsure of how to respond.  With some arguments and misunderstandings, we soon figured out that we were going to have to talk it out and work together as a team to figure out what makes a successful marriage.

As you know, communication is important in any type relationship, but is extremely vital in a successful romantic relationship. Some find it easy to communicate with the people they care about, but others find it challenging and often feel disappointed when their significant other fails to meet an expectation they have set.  Often when this disappointment occurs there was no communication of what one wants and needs. I always use the phrase “We are not mind readers” with clients—It would be completely awesome if we could navigate in the minds of our significant others, but the reality is that we don’t have that magical ability.  Because of this inability, we must talk with one another when we are feeling hurt or loved, and when discussing how to make our relationship thrive.

Gary Chapman suggests in his book, “The Five Love Languages”, that people tend to communicate love in 5 of the following ways:

1. Words of Affirmation- saying I love you, encouraging, or complimenting your spouse

2. Quality Time- one on one time spent together doing an activity or just in each other’s presence

3. Receiving Gifts- tangible items to show appreciation and affection

4. Acts of Service- doing something for the other person

5. Physical Touch- hand holding, kissing, intimacy

After taking the quizzes together and some discussion, my husband and I found that we are two different love languages. For him, his primary love language is acts of service—he appreciates when I do small things to show him I care. For me, my primary love language is words of affirmation—I like to hear verbally how much he cares about and appreciates me.  What does this difference mean?  Here are some tips for communication if you feel you may have trouble showing or receiving love effectively in your relationship:

1. Figure out each others’ primary love language. I would encourage you to both take the quiz at Gary Chapman’s website at http://www.5lovelanguages.com and review the results together. This allows you to have insight into what ways you can express and receive love and begin a discussion of what this means in your relationship.
2. Begin showing your partner love the way that is most important to them.  This may prove to be a challenging at first, because it’s human nature to show love in a way that’s most comfortable to you instead of your partner.  I would suggest not completely changing your way of loving, but considering behaviors and ways to show your partner love in the way that they need and prefer.
3. Communicate your wants and needs when they occur.  Sometimes, all it takes is a simple statement such as “I really wish we could spend some one on one time together this weekend.” In therapy, I suggest using a feelings statement such as I feel ___________ because ________________. This type of communication is very productive when stating needs because it puts a focus on the person speaking instead of placing blame on the other person.

If your relationship needs help or maybe is just in need of a tune up, we're here to help! Give us a call at 256.258.7777 or email at info@thebalancedlifellc.com.