The Balanced Life, Huntsville Alabama

In honor of TBL’s fourth birthday, I wanted to write my blog today on one of the reason’s we have enjoyed such a great four years in existence. This reason is my husband, who happens to be a really, really good guy.

Four years ago, I decided I wanted to be my own boss. I was ready to apply what I had learned in the field for the first 18 years of my career and wanted to do it on terms that worked better for my family.  When I brought this up to Randall, he never once voiced any doubt that we could be successful. He also wondered why I hadn’t branched out sooner. He was behind me 100% despite the riskiness of any entrepreneurial effort. He's still pushing me to write a book because he thinks I can. We will have been married 20 years in October and it hasn’t always been smooth sailing. But we have weathered the storms that have come throughout our time together and are a solid, happy team.

There are a lot of wonderful husbands, partners and dads out there and I know that TBL doesn’t do a lot of talking to or about them. This is certainly not because we don’t appreciate them, but rather the nature of our audience is largely female. However, today, I’d like to talk about traits that I see in my husband that I feel are signs of a really good man. This is for three reasons- one, because perhaps you are with a really good guy but for some reason can no longer see him for who he is. Things in life have gotten in the way and have blurred your ability to recognize what a  great partner you have. Two, maybe you are with a guy who is not good to you. We all deserve to be with someone who is good to us. Life is too short to be with someone who is emotionally, physically and/or sexually abusive. If you don’t see these traits in the man you are with, I encourage you to do some reflecting about why you are settling for less than you deserve. And three, as a part of celebrating our business birthday, I want to recognize the man who has been the backbone of this organization since we began.  

Signs of a good man

He treats you with respect. This goes for how he talks to you as well as what he says. It also includes listening to you and valuing your opinion. Even if you don’t agree, he’s willing to appreciate your point of view and doesn't need to convince you of his “correctness”. He never makes you feel “less than” because you don’t understand something or don’t do things the way he feels they should be done. He certainly never belittles you, yells at you, calls you names, or anything else that is emotionally damaging. He never, ever lays a hand on you in anger and never forces you sexually.

He’s fun and has a good sense of humor. You are able to have separate interests and activities, but you also have things that you do together, and ultimately you have fun with each other. You are interested in trying new things together and look forward to spending time together. You aren’t living parallel lives where your daily activities rarely intersect, or the only common theme is your children.  You make a point to stay connected to each other and your relationship is a priority. He also can make you laugh and you find humor in things together.

He’s emotionally intelligent. Emotional intelligence is defined as “the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one’s emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically” according to Daniel Goleman. Unfortunately, we have a long history of not raising men to be in touch with their feelings or to be sensitive to the feelings of others. I cringe every time I hear someone telling a little boy “you’re acting like a girl” or “boys don’t cry” or even calling a baby a “little man”.  These seemingly harmless words continue to perpetuate the myth that men should not be in touch with their feelings and if they are, somehow that makes them less of a “man”. Little boys who hear this enough become men who believe this fallacy and then cannot understand their partner’s feelings nor be vulnerable with their partner to express their own. However, men with high emotional intelligence really thrive in relationships because they are open about how they are feeling, even emotions such as fear, sadness and anxiety (not just anger) and they are compassionate about and interested in their partner’s feelings. Many women if you were to ask them would say that they just want to be heard and understood. This includes their feelings. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard about a woman who was upset and her partner’s response was “you’re being irrational”. Not helpful, let me tell ya. No problem was ever solved by someone being told they are irrational.

He treats you like an equal and the relationship is a priority to him. Marriage is a partnership. And the partnership is 50/50. But even with the equality, when you are struggling or not in the best place, he is willing to pick up the slack. But because you both love and appreciate each other, the equilibrium in the relationship is soon restored. In other words, you balance each other out. He does not treat you like he is superior to you or better than you. He recognizes that you bring as much value to the relationship as he does and appreciates you for it. He does not expect you to be his servant and wouldn’t ask you to do anything that he wouldn’t do himself. He includes you in making decisions, whether big ones or ones that are less significant. He makes time for you and you never doubt that you are special to him.

He is a great parent and role-model to your children. Unfortunately, we still have men out there that think their singular role in the family is to be the money maker. While this is certainly very important, kids need more from their dads that just financial security. A good dad is engaged with his kids and treats them with kindness and respect, just like he does you.He's leads them by his example. 

He’s trustworthy. You don’t have to worry about what he’s doing when he’s not with you. This means he communicates frequently and clearly with you and doesn’t keep things a secret (unless it's a fantastic surprise he's planning just for you!). He operates in life with honesty and integrity and these are obvious in his interactions with you and others. He is transparent and doesn’t make you feel like he’s hiding things from you.

He wants to be a better person. A great partner is always open to learning and growing. He looks for ways to strengthen his character and won’t tell you “this is just the way I am and you just need to deal with it”. A person who is committed to being the best person they can be may not get it right every time. It’s not about being perfect. It’s about being open to the human experience and always working towards what Abraham Maslow called "self-actualization". 

To any fellas that might be reading this- I encourage you to take some time to reflect on each point above. It's certainly not all inclusive but it's a good list of the things that make a guy a great partner. How are you doing on each item? A good idea would be to sit down with your wife/partner/girlfriend and ask what they think. Be open to what they have to say and be willing to work on areas that would make you a better partner. Even the greatest people can improve!

And lastly, ladies…obviously, all of these points go for you, too. While I’m speaking specifically about our husbands/partners in this post, great relationships are a two-way street. We have an equal responsibility to be our best selves in our relationships.

If you are struggling in your relationship, either to be your best you or with the person you are committed to, we’re here to help. Give us a call at 256-258-7777 or email at info@thebalancedlifellc.com. We look forward to many more years serving our community!