The Balanced Life, Huntsville Alabama

Recently, one of the very first couples I worked with in private practice got married. As a therapist, it’s such an honor to be a part of helping someone, or in this case, a couple overcome challenges and strengthen their relationship to the point that they are truly ready for the commitment of marriage.

I was able to join them on their journey to understand each other better, to listen more fully, and to be able to effectively empathize and compromise. Effective communication really is an art form and to see two people get really good at it, through lots of hard work and diligence, is the stuff dreams are made of for us therapists.

This couple wrote their own vows, and with permission, I am sharing an excerpt below. I loved the sentiment so much, I wanted to write my blog this week on several of the points they made to each other in the ceremony.

   I will respect and cherish you as my equal, knowing that we do not complete each other, but complement each other. 

  I vow to share my most vulnerable self with you, and only you, and I will receive you compassionately when you are vulnerable with me."

  Let us remember, in times of conflict, to focus on "us against a problem," not, "us against each other."

  I look forward to learning and growing with you, even as time changes us both.

1. When a couple gets married, they are a team. They are partners. And they are equals. The idea of being complimentary to each other is absolute on target for the way a healthy marriage works. They are not dependent or co-dependent, they are interdependent. They share and support each other but are also their own person in the committed partnership.

2. Being truly vulnerable with someone can really be hard, especially if having done so in the past led to heartache. However, when we commit to marrying our partner, we are agreeing to allow him or her to see us at our most vulnerable. And in turn, we are agreeing to love and support that vulnerability and to not exploit or reject it when it is shared with us. We also reserve this level of vulnerability and transparency for our spouse exclusively.

3. Looking at conflict as something that we work together as a team to solve would really help many couples who struggle with disagreements. If I really value my partner as a person, and I respect his or her opinion, even if I don’t necessarily agree with it, we can almost guarantee that we will reach a healthy compromise and move through conflict in such a way that it actually strengthens our relationship.

4. I read one time that when we get married, we marry a set of problems. I’m continually amazed at how couples mistakenly think that getting married will somehow magically fix anything that’s wrong in the relationship or with their partner. It doesn’t work that way, folks. We all have baggage. We all have quirks, idiosyncrasies, annoying behaviors, you name it. No one is perfect. But if we both commit to love each other despite those quirks and if we focus on our own self-improvement to address some of those annoying behaviors, we can really grow as a couple. Remebering that we are inevietably ogin to change over the years helps with learning and growing together. My husband isn’t the same person he was 20 years ago when we got married; neither am I. If we had not committed to continuing to learn about each other over the years and made the mistaken assumption that neither of us had changed, we would really be using what the Gottman’s call “love maps” that were outdated and inaccurate. An inaccurate map causes you to get lost and off course, and in a relationship, that can be hugely detrimental and damaging.

If you are in a long-term relationship, I encourage you to reflect on how well you and your partner are doing on the four components of these lovely vows. If you are doing great, good for you! That is quite an accomplishment. If you are struggling, we are here to help. Give us a call at 256-258-7777 or email at info@thebalancedlifellc.com. Having a strong, rewarding, and committed relationship is achievable!