When Should We Pursue Couple Therapy?
- by Holly Walker, LPC-S
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in Relationships
If you are feeling unsatisfied, hurt, can’t stop arguing, or generally feel misunderstood in your committed relationship, then it may be a sign it is time to seek couple therapy (also called marriage counseling).
For many couples the time to seek therapy is after a major crisis, such as an affair or high levels of hidden credit card debt being found out. For others it may be when one partner has one foot out the door towards separation or divorce. And yet for others, they can’t quite put their finger on the problem, but something feels off and they want to be seen before it gets worse. It might even be that the couple is doing "ok" but wants to improve their connection and/or communication. Research shows that the majority of couples who attend therapy experience a decrease in relationship distress and report an increase in overall satisfaction.
If you’ve been thinking about bringing up the idea of couple therapy with your partner/ spouse, you are not alone. It is the #1 growing request for therapy in the U.S. Long term committed relationships are tricky and challenging at times and every couple has problems that cannot or have not been solved yet. In fact, The Gottman Institute, which studies and conducts research on couples, says that 69% of a couple’s problems are perpetual and unsolvable. That’s a high percentage and can be discouraging to learn! However, the good news is that couples can learn to have a healthier dialogue about the perpetual problems and manage conflict in a healthy way, which is great news; and might lead to solving the problem after all.
How do you know when to pursue therapy together, how to find a therapist, and who to call? To start if you are thinking about therapy, it sounds like it’s time to reach out and gather information from a few therapists and decide which is best for you. Go to the Psychology Today (PT) website at psychologytoday.com to find therapists in your area who see couples. PT is a place therapists put their profiles and you can use filters and find a therapist that seems right for you. Another way to find a therapist is to ask around- friends and family may know of someone and would happily give you the name of a therapist they trust.
The idea of seeking therapy can have a stigma or embarrassment attached to it. I blame the history of counseling/ therapy practice on that because it used to be “crazy people” locked up in mental hospitals in strait jackets, who were given lobotomies and lived as zombies after that. I mean, we’ve all heard about the book and movie, One Flew Over the Coo Coo’s Nest, right? Luckily, the counseling profession has evolved into something much more helpful and productive in modern day, thanks to research and scientific advances. Now we know counseling and therapy can help anyone, including couples. Most people can solve their own individual problems, but everyone can benefit from new insights and learning about oneself.
Common themes and topics in which people seek couple therapy:
Communication problems/ increased conflict
Trauma and affairs
Hidden debt/ financial stress and strain
Other betrayals- feeling ignored or smothered by one’s partner
Generally feeling off and disconnected as a couple
Managing busy households with young children
Questioning your future as a couple
Substance abuse/ codependency
High levels of stress due to outside forces
Chronic or serious illness of one or both partners
That’s to name a few. Your personal reasons for seeking couple therapy may not be on this list but are valid. If your marriage/ relationship is in turmoil or unrest and you need an outside perspective, it is probably time to reach out to a licensed therapist. If you have questions about the process of couple therapy or would like to schedule an appointment, you may contact me by email at holly@thebalancedlifellc.com or phone at (256) 258-7777 ext 102. I would be glad to help.
