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  • The Power of Words

The Power of Words

by Holly Walker, LPC
in Family
on 20 February 2016

I sat in a restaurant the other day and overheard a mother speaking harsh words to her elementary age child (10 years old or so).  She said in a rude tone, “you are so stupid!” and not only did it make me sad and feel protective of her child, it made me think about the power of words we speak. 

I realize more every day how lucky I was to be raised in a loving environment where encouragement, safety, and security were the norm.  My brother, sister, and I are aware as adults that we never heard our parents say a single word of profanity our whole lives nor did they call us names or put us down as human beings.  One day as a kid, I went to a garage sale and one of the items for sale was a “cussing Jar” where a person puts a quarter in the jar every time they say a bad word.  The gentlemen selling the jar did not believe me when I told him I never heard my parents cuss.  I was confused at the time as a child, but now I realize why he said what he said.  It’s rare for adults not to use profanity or harsh words towards children at times.  Since my parents used kind words towards my siblings and me, I thought I’d pass along lessons learned from this experience.

Address negative behaviors and do not attack the person.  It may not be the actual cuss words that are spoken in front of a child, but harsh words directed at the child, that stick with a person for a long time to come in many cases.  They say you have to hear at least 27 positive statements to overcome one negative.  I would imagine it’s more than that if the adult does not change the way they speak to the child.  By addressing the behavior and not attacking the child, the chances of helping the child act more positively increases greatly.  There’s a difference between saying, “Shut up!” to a crying child and “I know you’re upset right now.  When you finish crying, we can resume making lunch.”

Understand the difference between discipline and punishment.  Discipline is teaching a child the correct way to behave via actions like time out and not punishing by calling a child “stupid” or calling them names.  Harsh spanking with objects all over a child’s body is not discipline, but abuse, and is usually done to alleviate adult anger, not teach a child how to correct their behavior.  If you choose to spank your child, the proper way to do it when you are not angry, use an open hand, spank on the buttocks over clothing.  Discipline is meant to teach, not belittle or crush a child’s spirit.

If they ask a question, answer it. I asked a lot of silly questions as a child and my parents always answered them, even when they didn’t have time or were answering the 82nd question of the day. J I believe this created an atmosphere of believing my opinion mattered and my curiosity was encouraged and accepted.  It built self confidence in me and allowed me to understand why I believed what I believed.  When a child is told to “shut up” or that they’ve asked too many questions, they may feel their self-worth go down and that their curiosity is not important.  As a parent finding joy in the questions and appreciating a child’s innocence can go a long way in wanting to answer the questions.  If you are not sure how much information to give when a child asks a question, answer only what they asked and if they continue to ask more questions, answer only the question.  They will let you know when they are satisfied and have all the information they need simply by no longer asking more questions.

Teach by example.  I’ve often heard it said, “Your behavior is screaming so loud I can’t hear the words you’re saying.”  If you use profanity, but tell a child not to use profanity, inevitably they will use profanity because they hear it out of the mouth of the very person who told them not to do it.  If this is a habit of yours, it’s important to take steps towards stopping saying those words and using harsh tones.  I find that when I step away for a moment to collect myself, it helps a lot when I feel frustrated with my own children.  If I step away and take a few deep breaths, I am better able to return to my children and handle the situation in a calm safe manner.

I want to share a story about one of the greatest inventors in the history of our nation, Thomas Edison, and the power of a parent’s words.  He returned home from school one day with a sealed letter addressed to his mother.  As she read it, she told Thomas the letter read, “This school is too small for him and doesn’t have enough good teachers for training him.  Please teach him yourself.”  The letter actually read, “Your son is addled (mentally ill).  We won’t let him come to school anymore.”  Edison cried for hours when he found the real note years later and was ever grateful that his mother did not read the real words on the page that day he returned home from school. 

We would all do well to learn from Thomas Edison’s mother by understanding the power of our words.  I encourage each of us to think about this and enjoy the gift of softer, kinder words today.I sat in a restaurant the other day and overheard a mother speaking harsh words to her elementary age child (10 years old or so).  She said in a rude tone, “you are so stupid!” and not only did it make me sad and feel protective of her child, it made me think about the power of words we speak.  I realize more every day how lucky I was to be raised in a loving environment where encouragement, safety, and security were the norm.  My brother, sister, and I are aware as adults that we never heard our parents say a single word of profanity our whole lives nor did they call us names or put us down as human beings.  One day as a kid, I went to a garage sale and one of the items for sale was a “Cussing Jar” where a person puts a quarter in the jar every time they say a bad word.  The gentlemen selling the jar did not believe me when I told him I never heard my parents cuss.  I was confused at the time as a child, but now I realize why he said what he said.  It’s rare for adults not to use profanity or harsh words towards children at times.  Since my parents used kind words towards my siblings and me, I thought I’d pass along lessons learned from this experience.

 

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