The Balanced Life, Huntsville Alabama

Growing up one of my father’s favorite sayings was “Pain/disappointment/discomfort builds character and/or humility”. A little background. My father grew up in extreme poverty, served, active duty, in the military for 24 years, and has had a series of health issue resulting from his service in the military, so the man knows a thing or two about discomfort. Uncomfortable situations, failure, and disappointment are all facts of life we will experience. However, what separates the men from the boys and the women from the girls is how we deal and adjust to things going wrong.

 Some parents often attempt to shield their children from any pain or discomfort. Although attempts to block discomfort are well intended, this behavior does not help children grow into to competent, well-adjusted adults. No adversity is just as harmful as too much adversity. Children who do not learn to deal with and adjust to failure, disappointment, and discomfort often have difficulty with problem solving and lack resiliency. Sadly, children who been blacked from all things uncomfortable, are often under the misguided assumption the universe will bend to their will, but when it doesn’t, they are crushed and unable to remove themselves from the rubble. The following are ways to make sure this does not happen to your kiddo.

1.Encourage your child to complete age appropriate task as early as possible

Encourage you children to take part in the household by completing task that are age appropriate. Ask them to help put away groceries or clear the dinner table when they are young. Children feel confident in their ability to help and successfully complete task. Resist the urge to correct. Instead encourage and praise the behavior.

2.Let your child settle their own disagreements with peers

This one is tough one, but only under extreme circumstance should you step in. Learning to manage conflict and personal relationships early will help your children in their future friendships and relationships.

3.Practice and model positive self-talk

Little ears and eyes are listening and watching everything we do. What they heard and absorb from the adults around them shape their worldview and view of themselves. It is imperative to model positive self-talk, so children mirror this behavior. 

4.Let effort be the star, not results

When a child achieves a goal give feedback that emphasizes the effort not necessarily the result. For example “You worked very hard for you award!” Although, the award is recognized the statement emphasizes the hard work. 

5.Encourage problem solving instead of provide solutions for your child

Allow your child to solve problems when appropriate. This insures that your child will be able to solve more complex life problems in the future.

6.Show empathy for child’s feelings of anger, frustration or sadness

Allow children to express their feelings and show empathy, but avoid trying to fix and change the feeling to a more comfortable one. Children should learn to express and manage their emotions, and that cannot happen if a parent is constantly running interference.

7.Encourage exploration

Create a safe environment where your child can explore. I’m not suggesting you allow your child to ride their bike across town, during rush hour. However, I am suggesting children do not need constant adult hovering.  

8.Support in times of disappointment, but resist the urge to fix

Again disappointments are unavoidable. Parents who safeguard their children from every disappointment are doing them a major disservice. Children are incredibly resilient. That said, if your child receives a bad grade or gets cut from a sports team, show empathy, but DO NOT run interference. Fixing in the moment is temporary. Learning to cope with disappointment is a life skill that is best developed sooner than later.