The Balanced Life, Huntsville Alabama

When a marriage breaks up, it causes heartache and broken dreams for at least one of the spouses, usually the one (or both) who is hurt. Marriages that end in divorce are complicated and end for many different reasons.

My own first marriage ended in divorce in 2005 and to say it was difficult is the understatement of the century. I didn’t want my marriage to end because I believed in marriage and I loved my husband and two children and the life we lived. The problem with that was that my husband didn’t share the same dream and our marriage ended in divorce after nearly 13 years of marriage. Our two children, a daughter age 9 and son age 8, were innocent bystanders as the only home they knew divided into two. It took me a few years to recover to a normal state and luckily we moved to be near family and my kids thrived living closer to grandparents and other extended family members. Because of my own experiences regarding divorce, I have developed a passion for helping others navigate through the often crashing waves of co-parenting after divorce. I can think of no bigger strong emotional reactions than when one divorces. We counselors are often left to doing the best we can through the muddy waters of who’s right and who’s wrong and finding common ground somewhere along the way. Divorced parents often point fingers and make accusations, all the while the children are dragged along their parents fighting episodes, unsure of where they fit in and where their loyalties should lie.

A wise man told me once, who happens to be my now-husband, that divorcing couples forget to focus on the children and instead, make it about themselves. And it’s so true! When a husband puts his ex-wife down to the children, it’s about him and not the children. When a wife says hateful things about her ex-husband to the children, it’s about her and not the children. Children have a right to love their parents equally, no matter the circumstances. When I say that, I don’t mean children should be placed in harm’s way if domestic violence, any form of abuse, severe mental illness, or alcoholism/ addiction are issues for the other parent. I only mean that divorcing or divorced parents must understand that while the marital relationship is dissolved, parenting together will go on for many years.

You may have gone to mediation and developed a plan for the divorce, finances, and visitation/ time with the children. However, the document cannot possibly cover every singe event faced over the next several years and it is not designed to do so. It is simply a guide or tool to help navigate through visitation and muddy waters, especially in the beginning. However, it is always recommended that when possible, the two parents work together in the best interests of the children to work out liberal visitations and include each other in appointments for the children or events they may have going on. I have seen too many times where the custodial parent (the one with primary physical custody of the children) dictates and attempts to control the other parent and causes harm to the children in the process. For example, when one parent asks to trade days from a Wednesday to Thursday evening and the custodial parent refuses simply because they do not want to accommodate the non-custodial parent, it hurts the children. They are suffering because they know more than we give them credit for, that they pick up on the tensions between parents and often feel a crisis of loyalty.

Even very young children, as young as two years old, know when their parents are under stress and tension and it causes them to be under duress, too. As children get older, they become more aware of such power struggles and ugliness between their divorced parents. My best advice under these circumstances is to never ever say unkind words about the other parent to your children. This is a difficult rule to live by because we often want to set the record straight or comfort our children when they have ill feelings towards the other parent, but do not give in to the temptation. Instead, offer support and understanding to your child, and allow them to have their feelings freely and to work through them. When parents want kids on their side and against the other parent, it is self-serving and not in the best interests of the child. They did not ask for that person to be their parent and should be able to love them freely.

If the other parent says unkind things about you to the children, ignore it and reassure the children you love them and want them to feel safe, secure, and loved. When your children are older, maybe even years later, they will thank you for being neutral and not saying mean things about their other parent. Believe me they will. I have seen it time and again… even in my own children, who are adults now.

There’s so much more to say when it comes to divorce and co-parenting and I know each situation is different and brings its own set of special circumstances. One thing all have in common though, is that emotions run high and unless acknowledged and calmed, can run amok very quickly. If you are having a challenging time getting through these times, please call us at The Balanced Life, LLC at (256) 258-7777 and we will be glad to help.