The Balanced Life, Huntsville Alabama

This week is a BIG week at my house. And by BIG, I mean, BIG….our daughter becomes…drum roll please…a TEEN-AGER!

She’s already even tried to use the all-important phrase, “Mom…I’m a teen-ager now” to add weight to an argument for more screen-time that she was presenting to me, but I shut it down, because at that point, she still had a week to go! Joking aside, she is growing into an amazing young woman who keeps me and her dad on our toes and amazes, amuses and bewilders us depending on the moment. Given this important milestone in our household, I thought I’d share a few thoughts about parenting that I’ve learned over the years from working with kids and their caregivers as well as from my own first-hand experience thus far!

Cherish every moment. Ok, I know that’s cheesy. But man, when they told me it would go by fast when she was an infant, I nodded wearily through my sleep-deprived haze, but even then, I knew it was true. We struggled with infertility for several years so when we finally got pregnant, we felt especially lucky. When I was up in the middle of the night with my newborn daughter, I honestly didn’t mind much, because I knew how hard it was to have her and how unlikely it was that I would ever have this opportunity again. As she’s grown and changed, it seemed slow in the moment but looking back, it really went by in the blink of an eye. I do wish time would slow down, but since it won’t, I try to be very mindful of living in the present and engaging with her as much as I can (or she allows) because it won’t be long, and she will be out on her own and we’ll be empty nesters (cue sad violin music). 

Find ways to engage. Sometimes our kids turn out a lot different than we anticipate they will. Maybe you’re super into sports and they only like video games. Maybe you love video games and they dig sports. In our case, our daughter loves art and anime. She would stay indoors 24/7 drawing or watching YouTube if we let her. My husband and I are active, outdoorsy people. So, we’ve had to find ways to compromise in our family with perhaps more activity than she wants and less than we’d like. I make a point to talk to her about her art and to even watch anime with her (I should get mom of the year for that one, right??). Sometimes, I just go in her room and lay on her bed and we ask each other random questions. The goal is to stay connected as she moves into an age when she will need me in a less direct way than she did as a young child.

Be smart about smartphones. Parents, if your pre-teen or teen has a smart phone, please, please, please be monitoring it. The average age kids see pornography for the first time is 11. Most parents never talk to their kids about porn, or sex, for that matter. Know what your kid is doing on their devices. Don’t be naïve and think that your little angel would never do anything inappropriate online or that someone isn’t doing something to them. This is scary territory for us parents, but we are responsible for the developing brain in our kids heads. And it’s not just about porn or sexually explicit information, it’s also about bullying, engaging in dangerous behaviors or learning dangerous information. Have solid rules involving your child’s devices and be consistent with monitoring and follow through with consequences if rules are violated.

Take care of your marriage. There’s so much to say about adult relationships and their impact on kids, but for this blog, I’m only going to address marriages.  The relationship with your spouse is the first example of what a marriage should look like. So, take a look at yours. Do you and your spouse like each other and act like it? Do you have fun together? Do you argue a lot and is the house tense and angry? Does your kid see successful conflict management? Are you and your spouse a unified front with the kids? Do you treat each other with kindness and respect? What are your kids learning about communication, conflict, and connection from your example? Don’t think for one second they don’t notice. I’m not an advocate for “staying together for the kids” if what you’re role-modeling for the kids is unhealthy behavior in relationships. You’d be better off splitting up amicably and cooperatively coparenting if that’s the case. I tell clients, if you’re going to stay in your marriage, do the work to make it a happy one. If not, you need to figure out another plan. Because staying married, being unhappy, and not working to improve the relationship isn’t healthy for anyone.

Balance self-compassion and personal responsibility. I am a big believer in doing the best I can but knowing that sometimes that will be a struggle and I need to cut myself some slack. I want more than anything to be a great mom to my daughter. And for the most part, I think I do pretty good. Sometimes, though, I am not so great at it. I say stuff I wish I could take back. I lose my patience. I get distracted and don’t listen. I jump to conclusions. So, I could beat myself up psychologically at all these missteps or I could acknowledge I messed up and role model a healthy apology and remediate as best I can and then I can be compassionate to myself that I’m doing the best I can. I think our society has parenting a bit wrong these days. We are either- look at this super parent and putting people on a pedestal that seem to juggle it all so well or we are all about the self-compassion part and leave out the personal responsibility part. I owe it to my daughter to show her that I’m human. I have an obligation to her to do the best I can. To take care of myself and do my own work so that I can be a healthy role-model for her. Doing the best I can means that I’m kind to myself but I also have a strong sense of personal responsibility and have plenty of humility to own my mistakes.

Raising good humans is the most important job we could ever ask to have. Don’t take a second for granted. Take care of yourself so you have plenty to give. I’m honored to be my daughter’s mom and also to help clients be the best parents they can be. Feel free to contact us at info@thebalancedlifellc.com or call 256-258-7777  if I or any of my fellow therapists at TBL can be of service!