The Balanced Life, Huntsville Alabama

“Joy to the World!” Every song on the radio, department store window, advertisement on television, and passerby on the street seem to be proclaiming “ ‘tis the season to be jolly!”

 And yet, the more we exist in an environment that seems to be touting mirth, merriment, and magic, the more disconnected we often feel. If you are shocked reading the latter statement, please humor me for just a bit longer and read further. My perspective has developed over years of working with people who find that the holidays exacerbate their past trauma; yet, these resilient individuals simultaneously strive to seek out what it truly means to feel comfort and joy.

One of my very first positions in this helping profession was working as an intern at a YWCA Women’s Shelter. Keep in mind that this was over 11 years ago, and I chose to intern/volunteer while simultaneously working two jobs, completing my BS in Psychology, and applying to graduate school. Often exhausted by the time I arrived at my internship site, I found respite in working with the women and their children who had come to our center to find refuge and safety. They were there for a chance at a life free from abuse, neglect, fear, and uncertainty. It was at this safe house where I first heard someone say to me, “If I could just fall asleep the day before Thanksgiving, and wake up after New Year’s Day, life would be so much easier.” My first instinct was to try and cheer her up and help her understand that things would be different now that she had a fresh start. But for some reason, instead of assuring this young woman, who was also the mother of three children, that the holidays could be a joyful time, I remember taking a deep breath and asking what she meant. I was afraid that she would tell me that she was suicidal or something else especially traumatic.

As a very green, inexperienced counselor, I was terrified that she would share something that was beyond my capacity to help. But instead, she shared with me that while seemingly everybody around her delighted in celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas and subsequently ringing in the new year, these holidays triggered traumatic memories for her of her father’s death, her mother’s struggle to feed and clothe their family, and most recently, her own agony with a partner who had gambled away their money and put both her life and her children’s lives in true danger. I remember feeling so warm towards her as she shared. She was unashamed, genuine, and palpably human. I was in awe of her bravery and resilience. “But,” she concluded as her kids began filtering into the room from an art therapy activity, “it isn’t possible for me to sleep away my life. I am grateful that I am here. I find joy in my kids’ faces. I am thankful that I am alive. And for me, that is what keeps me going through the holidays. Even if it’s here, in a shelter, not knowing our future.”

When she finished speaking, I realized there were tears trickling down my face. I didn’t even try to pretend like I wasn’t deeply moved and forever impacted by the gift she had given to me. While part of me knew that professionally, I “should” probably keep a poker face, this just was not even an option at the time. By opening up to me, this young lady gave me a glimpse at what authentic joy and true gratitude are, even in the face of a very harsh world with multiple obstacles. That evening, I returned home and journaled about my experience. I have kept a journal since age 11, and that night, I wrote probably 10 pages.

What have I taken with me from this experience? How does this apply to my practice as a therapist, so many years later? Every year, as Thanksgiving looms and clients start to express nervousness, fear, and resistance to what the holidays may bring, the last thing I want to do is minimize their emotions and quickly cover up their protests with proclamations about the most wonderful time of the year. Instead, I remember the young woman who taught me about happiness in the face of fear. I am grateful and humbled by the opportunity to learn from my clients, especially when their trauma around the holidays makes it difficult to find anything to celebrate.  It is my deepest hope that I may provide a nurturing environment in which my clients will trust me enough to help them find their own authentic joy amidst the chaos.

Wishing you all a relaxing, peaceful, meaningful holiday season. --Michaela (mwhitehead@thebalancedlifellc.com; 256-258-7777 x 106)