The Balanced Life, Huntsville Alabama

The word “boundary” can conjure up negative responses, sound off-putting, and seem cold.

I personally love boundaries! It took many years of personal growth and practice to establish and maintain healthy boundaries in my life with others.

You see, I come from a large and very close extended family where enmeshment is a central theme. The members of my family consider it a sign of love and something to be ingrained on the family crest (if we had one….LOL)! So you can imagine how difficult it was to establish boundaries with other members while trying to maintain bonds and a sense of connection.

Boundaries don’t have to be a terrible thing though. According to Webster’s Dictionary, a boundary is defined as “a line that marks the limits of an area”. An article published by Danit Nitka defines a boundary in the context of psychology as “conceptual limit[s] between you and the other person….knowing where you end and others begin.” (Bold for emphasis).

Having healthy boundaries help to support and maintain your mental well-being. It demonstrates a sign of self-awareness of what you value, an acknowledgement of your needs, and self-love. Establishing healthy boundaries safeguards you against others draining you emotionally, exploiting your need to please others, and taking advantage of your kind-hearted nature to want to help. It reminds others, as well as yourself, that your needs matter (i.e. You matter!).

 Let’s look at some of the rewards for establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries…

It reduces stress - you don’t have to be weighed down by others’ expectations from you or feel responsible for their emotions.

Decreases the experience of uncomfortable emotions - when you practice enforcing healthy boundaries the less likely you are to experience feelings like anger, guilt, shame, resentment, bitterness, and feeling overwhelmed.

Demonstrates self love and self respect – When you love yourself and have a healthy level of self-esteem, you don’t allow others to walk over you; you can say “no” without fear of losing relationships or the approval of others. You won’t allow what others think of you to influence and prevent you from guarding your boundaries and doing so un-apologetically.  

Helps you avoid toxic relationships/minimizes your associations with people who are toxic – Honoring your own needs and enforcing healthy boundaries that you’ve set in place increases your self-confidence, which reduces the chances that you’ll develop unhealthy relationships with people who are toxic and threaten your mental well-being. In fact, you’ll gravitate toward relationships that are positive and ones that encourage and uplift you.

Ways to set healthy boundaries

Explore and identify your needs and values. Make a list of those important to you and what would be at risk if those needs and values were jeopardized. (Example - “Me-time” is the need / Risk of not getting need met would result in feeling emotionally drained).

Communicate needs and boundaries. Be specific and use “I” statements. (Example - “I feel overwhelmed from the day. I am turning on my ‘Do Not Disturb’ for a little uninterrupted down-time today.”). Using “I” statements opens the door for the other person to be able to hear and receive the message without taking it personal or feeling attacked.

Identify your limitations and give yourself permission to say “No”. (Example – “I really would love to join you for lunch this Saturday, but not this time. I need to stay home and re-charge.”). In fact, did you know that you don’t owe anyone an explanation sometimes – Just say “No”. (Example - “Thank you for the invite, but no, not this time.”).

Lead by example. People learn to treat you by the way you treat yourself and how you allow them to treat you. When you practice self-love and prioritize your own needs, it makes it difficult for others to succeed in pushing boundaries that you’ve established. By the same token, being respectful of other people’s boundaries can serve as a model that hopefully encourages them to stop and consider how respectful they are of your boundaries.

Be willing to enforce the boundaries you’ve set in place. Remember others may try to push the limits with the boundaries you’ve set, out of their own lack of self-awareness or a disregard for you and your needs. You may have to remind them a few times in the beginning when they attempt to push past the boundaries. If their lack of respect continues, recognize that this may be a red flag that this is an unhealthy or toxic relationship – avoid these people if possible or minimize your interactions with them.

Don’t neglect physical boundaries. I once saw a talk show with Wynonna Judd and her late mother, Naomi, as guests. They have frequently been open about the strains that sometimes plagued their relationship. During this particular show, Naomi mentioned how she had to learn to respect her children’s physical boundaries. She discussed how natural it was for her to tell her kids when they were younger to go hug or kiss a relative. Does this sound familiar... “give granny a kiss” “go hug uncle so and so”? How often have we been guilty of forcing our kids, in a sense, to express similar gestures of love to others? We don’t stop to realize that this can be a violation of their physical boundaries. It can also be triggering for some. In addition, it could be sending the message that they have no rights over their bodies or how they choose to express physical acts of love to others. Give yourself and your child permission to say “no” to physical interactions that make you or them feel uncomfortable.

If you need help with learning how to establish healthy boundaries or becoming empowered to enforce the boundaries that you’ve set, feel free to reach out to me via email: Felicia@thebalancedlifellc.com or call 256.258.777 ext. 110.